I seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

That he can't even talk to me face to face to try and work things out.

That i have to gather information from everybody around him when he is the one who owes me the answer.

That i am probably the nicest galfren he will ever have yet he can be that determined to drop me like im a fucking good for nothing.

All that i have done can't even be compared to anything else. All that i have done doesn't even allow me to have a proper answer as to why he feels that he HAD to leave.

There really is something wrong with me. GOD DAMNED FUCKING WRONG.

Oh god. Just for how long have i tried holding back this anger at such a useless man who can't even bring himself to settle his relationship problems face to face.

30 bucks, 8 prawns, 1st time. Cost per prawn = 30/8 = SGD 3.75. At least i didn't leave with only two prawns or lesser. Imagine a prawn tt costs SGD15. Or worse, SGD30.

Better still, u pay 30 and u dun get any. Tts called "pawned", not "prawned". =P

Ben says im gd for a first timer. Haha. I think so too. =p But of coz it wldn't b possible if he didn't teach me. Things like measuring the depth of the pond, where to put the bait on the hook, how to bring in ur catch, how to hold the prawn without getting urself pinched. Simple-minded ppl like me wil just hang a chunk of meat, throw the line into the pond n wait n then get pinched by prawns IF i were to really catch any.

For the first time in my life, i did everything myself. Though over tym i was half-hearted abt pulling out the claws from their bodies coz i feel painful for them =X And i accidentally gt pinched by one of them. So much for feeling proud of myself at 4am haha.

And watching him cut the worms.... i think its scary to cut worms. Still hv to choose to cut frm the tail. Thn the cut up parts are like wriggling in the container. EEEew yucks. I wonder if the worms are screaming, "Kill me!". Just like how the prawns were flapping violently in my hands each time i dislodge the hook frm their bodies. It must feel very painful. =X

I should stop feeling so kind. Rarrrr.

Im too kind noob to use worms. Prawns eat worms faster than i react.

So i will stick to chicken liver instead.

葛大为 《刮骨疗伤》

把血肉切开
必须要刮骨
方能疗伤

我勇敢听见华佗用刀刮骨的声音
他削去我身体上的一部分
然后又缝合
我会渐渐痊愈吧
但
是不是少了些什么
我不知道
只是
我脑袋里
多出一个抽屉
来储藏
刮骨疗伤时的声音
历历在耳

那是一个与宰杀相似的动作
回忆与时间的交相刻画
在痛之极中
我却是不知不觉被医治好
但总是要经过一个被杀死的过程
每个人
当饰演过一次关云长

I got my first A in my entire university life on Monday.

She gave it to me for my speech during English oral test. Her comments made it sound pretty much near impeccable.

It didn't make much of an impact though, which is probably why i forgot.

Coz i couldn't share it with you like i used to. Especially when you're always the one attempting to correct the way i speak.

It just seems apt that i share it with you and only you.

我真的瘦了吗？

Today Boon Seng n Ammily aso came up to tell me i've lost alot of weight! Boon Seng even said i prolly lost like 5kg.

But isn't that something good?? Nw everyone is telling me i look better with more fats. Hw is that possible?? I dowan fat face =(

I had fun today at the yacht club watching them hving their rehearsals. Took their beach ball out of boredom, bounced it around and ended up roping in a few of them to play volleyball w me.

Ay it's fun leh! Been awhile since i last played and its pretty fun playing with my new friends, didn;t expect them to be so sporting too. Will be facilitator tgt w Kai Qin, cool stuff. Im sure the kids will have fun nxt wk =)\

And Susan tell me today that language teachers will all get additional 6k for teaching language. The payment is split into 2 halves, and the 1st half will b coming in December. Like OMG-ly happy. Means after adding half a month's bonus nxt month and prudent spending plus gd saving habits plus an additional 3k nxt yr i will be able to get a license and car sooner than expected. Wootz! Im closer to a bright red Honda Jazz now =)

Today Uncle Steven joined the group "I must tell Joyce that she has lost weight."

Im eating french fries nw. I will try ok? =)

Oh if u wanna join Chingay msg me! Girls will be wearing pretty dress and guys dun hv to do much bt to carry stuff. Best deal is not many rehearsals. Wootz.

Tonight will be the first opening night for all the Chingay rehearsals tt are to come.

And i seriously need to get my mind off you because i can't do any work when im suppose to churn out sth b4 i leave hse later.

Im still angry the more i think about it. My actions have always been louder than my values. Your values have always been louder than your actions.

I think im gonna miss my lil brother. Lucky dude. First plane ride when he's 14. And he will b thr for 8 days. I didn't get mine till i was 20. And i only stayed in tt place for 4 days performing almost every day. I hope you get the window seats. They are really nice =)




Don't you dare to go and watch the Thai girls' show.




Just doing my job as a sister. =)

Today's class is painful. Haha. Good workout.

I think some people are just so hopeless that they are too lost to be saved.

Im not the one who needs to grow up, he is.

Obstinately clinging onto things with absolutely no flexibility at all. Don't wan to make the effort to improve things but instead always insistent on having it his way. Dear God, obviously ur words don't rub themselves onto this person who claims his strong beliefs in ur Way.

Srsly, if ur temper is bad thn DO SOMETHING. Dun always think tt wat u do will be forgotten over time and therefore u can just snap at ppl anytym.

Dun effing come n tell me u are not a cartoony person n thrfore cartoonish methods dun work on u. Whn Jeremy Clarkson acted like a clown i did not see u labelling him a cartoon. Whn Peter Chow made a joke out of his mother you were the one laughing like it's really funny.

You don't hv to be cartoon to accept cartoon ways. Does playing Playstation means that you are a kid??

DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WITH LOTS OF VALUES? OBVIOUSLY NOT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU. In your eyes im like totally immature and childish isn't it? Im always the CAL who is concerned w nth serious in life but to engage herself in thoughts of Salsa, karaoke and nightlife. But have i not treated you well? Have i not been nice to your family and friends? Have i not been the one trying to be more involved in your life knowing the people around you who've made you who you are today? Have you not for once agree that i'd make a good wife?

Seriously, Adam Liew, you need to grow up.

In fact nwadays whn i look at you i just think u are <*insert adjective*> and i don't know why i loved you.

You need to learn to put yourself in the shoes of others.

I teach u a way to cntrl that effing temper of urs n if u think it won't work then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. WHy are you always making the same mistakes?

One day you will realise how much you've lost because of you and beliefs.

Either that you can just stay the way you are and watch your life go on repeat mode.

Im tired. Thrs sch till 5.30 today. And thn thrs exotic till 10. And thn thrs alot of work waiting for me.

Don't you ever wish i was the one beside you when u look at the photos of the couples you took with their rides?

Why can't you believe that it is ok to have me back in your life coz u wouldn't have to be unhappy trying to please me anymore?

On a random note i think my frenz rock. They help me sign attendance list so i dun hv to chiong dwn to sch whn i hvn finished my work. Yayness. =)

I nv thought i'd actually meet my relatives from China upclose today. All along i've been hoping tt i hv some sort of Japanese blood in me. Since ppl often say i can easily pass off as one. =)

They were so fascinated by the sight of mi. The aunties came to sayang mi. LOL. The uncles gave me VERY WARM handshakes. It feels like handshakes from Popeye becoz they are all farmers. Really strong hands. And honestly im not v used to getting tt sort of attention. But they're awesome. Sharing their photos and talking abt my uncles n aunties like they've always been around w us in Singapore, when it is actually my 1st tym in 22 yrs meeting them. The best part of the meeting, is of coz my aunt's curry! LOVE LOVE her curry!

Han is so right. Im always part of some crazy shit behind my buddies' backs.

But honestly i did enjoy Labrador Park at 2am. =)

Right now i need to keep my butt rooted and EMBARK on that 1k journey on literary appreciation.

咖啡厅的两杯茶



第一杯：English Breakfast Tea

沸腾，无糖，无搅拌匙。

于是我得走回去柜台要了一包糖。

然后让那个本来用在折磨土豆的叉子在杯里打转。



最后一杯：Caramel Tea

沸腾，无糖。

杯里插着红色的搅拌匙。

任谁也看得出，它非常生气。

我听见它在滚滚茶水中，不断地问道： WHAT FOR??




结果，无糖的茶杯里，
插着一直无糖可以搅的搅拌匙，
让我暗自狂笑了一整个下午。

最近老爸的手机铃声换了。

超像八零年代旧式咖啡厅会听到的电话铃声。

电影电视常有。

5分钟前，我现在所处的咖啡厅突然传来同样的铃声。

感觉好像穿梭时空，随行的还有那台冷气机。

怪，可是说不上来为什么。

有些东西就是不一样了。

人之所以会缅怀，是因为自知不可能舍弃现在所拥有的，却又不舍那个过往的曾经。

kkoh says:
lolol
wah so hardworking


Joyce: My hair stylist thinks im cute and has a face which spells BULLY ME. says:
hv always been
haha

kkoh says:
OK!

Joyce: My hair stylist thinks im cute and has a face which spells BULLY ME. says:
i hv a feeling u dun believe mi
haha

kkoh says:
and what makes u have that kind of feelings huh?

Joyce: My hair stylist thinks im cute and has a face which spells BULLY ME. says:
haha coz i dun believe wat i just said either

kkoh says:
hahahaha
****************************************************
Yea, like im suppose to go Sentosa today. Really. And the weather is good.

But i ended up mugging in AMK lib right now coz my newly rebonded n colored hair cannot be touching Bananaboat in case the colour runs n im not suppose to wash my hair till tonite so i dun wanna smell like Bananaboat too.

The cafe now has this 2-in-1 combo thingy for snacks. Like OMG. So i took the deadly combo. Though i doubt im ever gg to finish them anyway. I hardly finish everything on my plate these days, and figuratively speaking, i have ALOT on my plate these days too. I dun like English breakfast tea =( But they dun hv Camomile or Peppermint tea here.

Makes up for the long walk i took just nw because James Patterson made me miss my stop.

Dear God,

Thank you for the day today. I've met really great ppl like my nice stylist who made my day by saying im cute even after he saw me without fringe. And thrs this grp of 3 ladies who said gdnite to me when the lift reached my floor.

Please bless me with great morning sun tmr so tt i can do my work while tanning.

Can i ask if my Christmas wish is still being processed? I just want him to see the fact tt im not gg to regret abt nt hving the life which he assumed that i wanted. I am happy with my life as it is, but it will never be complete without him.

Please grant me all my 17 wishes plus this one alright?

They are all the same anyway.

And you knw i've been praying for it all night and day.

我就算被锁进黑夜

心里的火依然炽烈

想烧出一片乐园

想照耀你的脸

我走过深邃的荒野

迷离的灵魂镀上喜悦

当静寂给我失恋

受伤的也不远

这一生我紧抓梦想的翅膀飞

不知道哪里是终点

我愿意守着约带着你不坠灭

幻想着重生的那一天

这一生我紧抓梦想的翅膀飞

不知道哪里是终点

我愿意守着约带着你不坠灭

幻想着重生那一天

是否你能够为我等

等着我重生那一天

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

- Albert Camus

Im gg to be a good girl, churn as many reports as possible, and then go for my hair revamp tomorrow. I dunno why everyone kp telling me i hv lost alot of weight when it doesn't seem to show in the pictures =X

Had a great chat w classmates today. And i realised, all of us has matured over the years. But seriously, i don't remember myself wearing LEOPARD PRINTS in NUS evn though i was pretty havoc!

玩够了，只想静下来，让心找到一个家。

My new book by Paul Coelho, I randomly flipped and came to this page:

A warrior of light knows that certain moments repeat themselves.

He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking that he is incapable of making any progress in life.

"I've been through all this before," he says to his heart.

"Yes, you have been through all this before," replies his heart. "But you have never been beyond it."

Then the warrior realises that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.

Off to school!

Bilingualism policy was wrong

I just saw this video and i don't think his policy was actually wrong.

If you want to learn something, it doesn't matter whether it is interesting or fun or not, it is your attitude towards learning that matters. And i think the word "difficult" has become a very convenient excuse for many who just don't put in the effort to learn, especially when they don't see the need to put in effort to learn something which they won't see as a necessity in future. Revising the syllabus tym and again just serves to make things worse. Look at English, Maths and Science. They ain't very easy either! And i think it's the rigour in the use of English that makes the language so important. So people may also think English is difficult, there are ppl who are not proficient in English screwing up their Maths n Science just because they can't read the questions!

Yet they never came up with rubbish like English 'B', do they?

Im beginning to actually appreciate the bilingualism policy because right now i feel that im at an advantage as compared to the non-locals. I do feel that sense of accomplishment when i walk into class for an email writing test without having to rely on a dictionary unlike many of my classmates. Im not putting my classmates down by comparing, they are struggling to learn and u've really got to salute their determination in doing well. I just feel that it is really a display of the different circumstances that we are under, i can afford to be so laid back because i've had my foundations laid since young----I don't even see the need for a dictionary! Yet they hv to rely on working hard just to be able to get by writing an email. So in a way, the billingualism policy i've been under when i was a student is effective! I hated Chinese. Not because it was difficult, but because i just didn't like it.

You don't have to like something to be good at it, though it will help you a lot if you do.

Of coz i cannot deny that my laziness to speak proper English has sort of eroded my good foundations over time. I make stupid grammar mistakes every now and then, i do direct translations whenever i speak. But i rather be doing that and correcting myself later than to not know how to use the language at all.

Ahh haiyah anyways just my two cents worth. Dunno why so intellectual this morning, must be the stars from this morning. English rocks. Singlish boomz. Chinese, ok half a shingz?

Don't worry Han, I miss him. But life will still go on until i decide that im not waiting anymore. And like you said, time flies. The nxt few mths will be gone very soon. So waiting for him for the next few mths isn't something tts v long. Especially not when he really is very important, too important for me to just drop and go. Everything is really relative. I am happy with my life now, but i will be happier if he's here with me. So while it really all depends on him, i will be focusing on getting over the next few wks because school is really killing me, i have no time to focus on my relationship anymore and i've already done all that i could.

So yup, don't worry, won't die. Not the Joyce that i used to be =)

I caught 17 fallen stars! 16 in total and 1 by chance when i gave the sky one last look b4 i left. I highly suspect some of them weren't Leonids coz when i tried tracing them back to the source the path they took were different from one another.

When i reach at 12 plus it was so cloudy tt i cnt even see the Orion belt with Rigel and Betelgeuse which were suppose to be my markers coz the compass i brought along like cui. Try having the North in many different directions! U get the idea luh =X I prayed and i even blew at the clouds. I knw it doesn't work that way la. Haha some things u just gotta try =p And the clouds really cleared at abt 3 plus 4. See, it pays to have faith =)

So happy. Though the rooftop was freezing cold with the morning air. Thrs evn moisture settling on the casing for my binoculars!

Now im v tired. Off to sleep.

My back is aching from ytd's exotic dance class. Shows how much i hv been slouching. I MUST WATCH MY POSTURE FROM NOW ON. Considering i whack a 130 bucks just to go for that, i'd better produce results. Haha. My instructor is a v feminine lady! Not well endowed in terms of assets but she exude that aura of confidence which no females i've seen so far possess. I wan to be like her too!

Ok, i know im crazy but i hope the weather would be kind this Saturday because im gg to wake up early and pack my Ipod, Bananaboat, straw mat, and school work to some corner of Tanjong Beach n do my work while suntanning.

I hv been contemplating that since Sunday and nw since i always do what i say..must be kind to me ok!

Today went Semb Yacht Club again to haggle some price for Halal menu. Oh wells, because of grpmates who insist that all Muslim participants must eat Halal certified food. Kitchen is no pork no lard aso cannot. Gei gao lor =X Got to admit it is abit mafan =X But everyone have their own beliefs tt we got to respect bah. I just hope the camp goes well and the kids will enjoy themselves =)

We saw a rainbow aft tt and Jeffrey took a photo of us with the rainbow. We're the powerful 3-man Welfare department! Haha. I took some nice pictures too but im too lazy to get them out now.

On my way home i was stoning..looking out of the window whn i meet this guy who was waving to me when the car went past my bus. I tot it was quite farni so i waved back. Haha.

The weather is pretty kind to me right now so i guess tonite it's gonna rain stars and not water! So i wun die of cold sitting out there at the rooftop whn i reach Han's hse later.

Leonids! Here i come!

Sick. Don't feel like doing anything. But everything due next wk.

爱我也是在骗自己吗？

I just wanted to call to hear his voice, to hear tt he's alright.

But i dunno now. Luckily he was busy.

I love him. Which is y im willing to change and accomodate and i didn't feel v unhappy about it. But i didn't even consider those as sacrifices.

Yet to someone else, stooping to my level and accomodating me is tantamount to lying to himself and even an act of having forced to sacrifice his values. Lying about what? What is so important that he thinks he is depriving me of if i stayed with him for life? What values of ours had such great conflict that he had to allow it to erode away our love when we could hv easily worked things out?

What values of his could be more important than the fact that i loved him with all that i have?

I don't even know wat did i do that made me deserve all these. Im the one trying to salvage, he is the one trying to run away.

I apologised so much for being selfish at the start when i didn't wish to stay with his parents. I was truly sincere abt taking care of his parents and seeing the need to be staying with them. Was that sacrificing my values? Was that depriving me of anything?

NO.

It's merely a CORRECTION of values. I just don't c it becoz im too young to understand. I just don't c it because all my role models tt i had in my family, NOBODY stayed w their parents after getting married. All you had to do is to be PATIENT whn it comes to me understanding these things.

But u built a wall.

Do i look like the kind who'd regret not doing salsa or going out for late nights when i look back ten yrs down the road?

Is having a night life once in a while whn u r unmarried gg to render me VALUE-LESS for the rest of my life?

Is karaoke something that clashes with values?

Do you EVEN think these are something that are worth regretting about when i don't have them?

我有那么肤浅吗？ Im not THAT superficial. Ok? Especially not now, not ten years down the road.

What are u stubbornly holding onto that you'd rather give up someone who loves you with all her life? When all she ask for is not for you to give up what you believe in, but rather bend the rules a lil when it comes to her?

你的人生到底在执着什么？

你只在乎你有没有吃亏，在乎你会不会成为一个让我终身遗憾的罪人。

你却没有问过我到底要的是什么。

你却从来没有想过，为什么我不介意花那么多时间和精力只为了跟上你的步伐。

我追你追得我有点累了。

什么时候你可以停下来，让我跟上？

Our APEC perf are now in parts and available on RazorTv! Here's the part with us Chinatown dancers =)



And my fav song by Kit Chan tgt w the finale =)

Little Ryan is staying at my hse overnight starting today all the way till Wednesday. I sang him a lullaby just now and he sang along w me in baby language, damn cute. In the end my momo decided tt im not gg to be able to put him to slp coz he's gg to look at me with his big innocent eyes n sing along with me.

Went ECP cycling with Patrick today n he brought me to this place on the opposite bank tt wasn't open the last time i cycled thr. I think Adam was too busy at tt tym accusing me of not forgetting my ex boyfriend tt the both of us didn't notice that we can actually go there. And man, look at the view:





It's beautiful. Srsly.

Just what have u missed or given up on in your life because u've had ur thoughts so preoccupied with something highly unconstructive and in fact, highly destructive, that you let ur frustrations ruin the perfect picture tt u've so painstakingly painted?

Then being a stormy day, we stumbled upon a sad scene. Someone fell into the sea or sth. I took a pic of it, and i feel kinda sad looking at it.



And thn i did sth tt i hv nv done in my entire life b4: Drinking Chinese tea the correct way.

He brought me to Tea Chapter to drink Chinese tea and im amazed tt he knws the procedure to brew the tea leaves. And i love the ambience thr, comfortably quiet and classy. Han n Kiwi u 2 old ppl..lets go there nxt tym!

Exotic dance class starts tmr. Am excited!

Taking a short hiatus. Coz every day will be APEC. I hope everyone in HCM will be safe and sound, especially him. This is for him. Though i know he wouldn't be able to hear it.




You're always on my mind. I miss you.

I just saw 2E4's class video and i was damn 感动。

No the video isn't for me of coz. It's dedicated to the entire class and the song running in the background was Westlife's "Seasons In The Sun". It struck me then that they are all going into different classes next year. Watching their pictures and the times they spent tgt makes me wanna cry. It's like looking back into time and seeing how much you have been thru as a class, and they had so much fun!

I saw many familiar faces too. There's the girl who voluntarily help me to erase the board even though she wasn't from my Chinese class n she was suppose to go off with her frenz for mahjong. Then thrs the two boys who pointed knives n scissors at each other becoz one of them was sitting at his place and refuse to give up the seat. And my very nice student Y.Q, whois in my Chinese class and has been a really wonderful n cooperative student.

They are all so young and have such a long future ahead of them! I do hope they will all perform well in their O levels. The nxt 2 yrs will fly like how it did when i was in Cedar.

I hope my future class will be such a closely knitted bunch too.

May God bless all of you =)

And thank You for the day today. I enjoyed the mudpie in town with the ladies! And i shall not buy lunch in school unless i knw im gg to finish them. Im sorry for leaving tt Hor Fun virtually untouched, which means i wasted food again. =X

Share with u this song sung by Chen Wei Lian tt i really liked. 曲末有种无声的呐喊，道出了我的无助与无奈。

Yes, i still miss him and he's leaving for Vietnam tmr. Just a few mths back it was a trip i really treasured because it was a graduation gift from him, and it was our first overseas trip. Feels like honeymoon back then. Ok i shouldn't think anymore.

And even though Orchard has real ugly decor this yr, it doesn't stop the fact that Christmas is coming. I know deep beneath that excitement, i don't want to go on that yacht if i had a choice.

That best Christmas present is all that i asked for.

I think i just got thrilled by my own life.

First i may be going for a yacht Christmas party(though it does not fall on Christmas itself). Totally excited, gonna be my first!

And then i just signed myself up for Exotic Dance class!!! Somehw only the one at JJ fits my schedule, albeit a-not-so-nice day of Monday which renders me unavailable for Albert's class. On top of that i have to make my way home at 10, not very nice timing but, hey im so not complaining.

Afterall who actually COMPLAINS about excitement?!

Up next will be Basic Theory test.

Yes, finally i've decided to start killing people on the roads.

请不要告诉我我很聪明。

如果我真的有那么聪明的话，我不会笨到相信会和他结婚，笨到认真地去思考和他的未来，还告诉自己要爱屋及乌。

请不要告诉我才貌兼具。

如果真的有，我不会连我爱的人都留不住。

请不要告诉我我是一个很好的女孩子。

如果我是，他不会掉头就走。

请不要撒谎。

鼻子会长的。
************************************************************************





我要你的
不是你所謂的愛
我付出的對你只是空白
是 是我太習慣對你依賴
我的存在從不更改卻和你無關
我竟然寧願看不見你給的傷害
我 像一個小孩
你卻放任我離開
留下我在原地哭喊的無奈
我　愛的那麼明白　你卻笑著沒收我的愛
要我等待卻忘了回來

我要你的
是你說過的未來
可惜你做的卻總是相反
是 是我太容易被你看穿
我的勇敢我的心軟全被你打亂
我竟然寧願看不見你給的傷害
我 像一個小孩
你卻放任我離開
留下我在原地哭喊的無奈
我　愛的那麼明白　你卻笑著沒收我的愛
要我等待卻忘了回來
你卻笑著沒收我的愛
要我等待卻忘了回來

嘿..耶耶..
像一個小孩
哦...
當我沒有力氣再前進
力求能讓一切重來

我要你的
不是你所謂的愛
我要你的
不是那些神秘的表白
我要你的
不是也許我應該
在擁抱以後
決定看不見你給的傷害
我 像一個小孩
你卻放任我離開
我　愛的那麼明白　你卻笑著沒收我的愛
要我等待卻忘了回來

Dear group mates and myself,

I am sorry for completely giving up on myself over the weekends, and when you guys are all slogging away. I've packed up and threw away all the emotional baggage that shouldn't have been mine. Tears and heartache are reserved for the person i met in August 2008. Not the one i've been living with since August 2009. It's not worth it feeling sad for someone who isn't even sorry. Thank you for not scolding me when you all could have. Now imma get back to work, and i love all of you, really.

Love,
Joyce
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Dear God,

Today was a good day. Thank you for that. I'm definitely looking forward to going down to MYMCA soon. And i hope you've gotten my Christmas wishlist. There's only two on the list! But of coz if they are not good for me, you can choose not to give them to me. I'll understand =)

P/S: Im sorry for wasting the whole plate of bittergourd, i really had to rush for test =X

Love,
Joyce

People change, all the time.

I guess everyone has to stop every now and then to do a reality check, to ask themselves what really is important to them right now, will it still be as important ten years down the road?

Like an urge, an interest, or something, and even somebody in your life.

Where are you heading?

What have you given up along the way?

You'd have to face yourself, the one deep down inside, to find out. Unfortunately, it is their desires and temptations that they seek the answers from, not themselves.

The saddest thing about these people, is that they don't see it.

They wind up being the most pathetic people in life who will never be contented.

Sembawang Music Store reminds me of a person whois dying from some terminal illness.

I mean, look, during its heyday, i remember myself comparing its prices with Music Junction and HMV. It's just like a healthy human, full of life, competitive, thriving.

And then when the demand for CDs fell, in face of competition with the other record stores, I gradually patronise it for the sake of its existence in Junction 8. I still see it elsewhere even after the one from j8 disappeared.

Just like someone who falls sick. And then i visit him/her occasionally when i am free.

Now news has it that it is closing down, how far has it taken to reach this point? My 1st CD was from there. I can still vividly rmbr the joy of buying it with my own pocket money then. CDs don't come cheap. Now im looking at the neon signs pasted all over the stalls slashing prices like nobody's business.

I realised the pun and the irony, indeed, it has become nobody's business.

Suddenly people who are attracted by the prices come in, made a wild selection of CDs that they don't used to desire, paid for them, and leave.

Just like a dying man, when everyone suddenly appears by ur bedside, hear u mutter ur last words, watch you slip into the abyss of Death. And then they start to pack ur stuff, each taking away some as momentos. Ur ultra thick goldie chain is being brought to the goldsmith to exchange for many smaller chains and distributed to ur sons and daughters. Your clothes, photo albums and all the worthlessly-priceless junks are returned into boxes and packed into the realms of oblivion.

Such is a life of a CD Store. Such is a life of a sick man.

Such, is the reality of life.

Today, i learnt many things that i don't used to see. And i learnt how my tendency to always see the goodness in people ALWAYS fails me. Men are men. Humans are humans. So while im going to serve God this December by guiding his young ones in appreciating His creations and exploring their capabilities, im not going to be the girl who stands and naive-ly watch the realities of life unfolding before her anymore. It doesn't pay to be sincere and giving ur heart to others, but i will make sure i don't suffer for doing so. Because i believe true relationships are built and fostered on trust, not mind games. Trust is so fragile, yet so important. And today i've come to better appreciate this.

My dear buddy, i will definitely include your family in my prayers to overcome such turbulent times. I will be there whenever i can. Just drop me a buzz. *Hugz*

If u ask me to list 10 reasons why i loved him, i can only tell you one.

I love him for who he is.

Not what he has to offer, not what he has, but from the moment we got together i told myself this is the man i want to be there for, in bad and good times, rags or riches.

Which is why i may not appear to be a wreck. But im hurting badly.

But you know what?

The bitch is back.

Hard-Heartedness Keeps Us From Hearing God

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 26)

'Having a hard heart causes a lot of problems. I was very difficult to get along w in the early years of our marriage. I was hard-hearted frm being repeatedly abused in my childhood. However, Dave had a strong relationship w God and was willing to pray for me and wait for God to change me. Dave heard God say,"Pray and wait," and i am eternally grateful that he did.

If we had both been hard-hearted, I am sure we would not be married today. There are times when divorce is the only answer to a situation, but it should be the exception, not the rule. There are far too many divorces today.

I have even heard that divorce rate is greater among those who claim to be Christians than those who don't--which is sad. As his children, God gives us a new heart--His heart--and we should learn to be more merciful and long-suffering, as He is. He gives us His heart so that we can ultimately learn to represent Him, doing the same thing He would do in any given situation.

Hard-hearted people break marriages and friendships too quickly and thus, lose out on the richness of God's purpose and plan for their lives. Just think what Dave and I would have missed had he given up on me in those early years. Because he didn't do that, we are now helping millions of people worldwide through the ministry opportunities God gives us. If we had not been faithful to God and to one another, we would have missed that blessing, and God would have had to choose someone else.

When we hear from God, we have the choice to respond with humility and trust, or to harden our heart and ignore Him. Regrettably, when people don't get what they want, or when they go through trials and tests, many of them choose to harden their heart.'

------------How To Hear From God by Joyce Meyer

I hope i will meet the Dave that belongs to me too. Love how they are spiritually connected and having such strong faith in one another in trying times.

Today is a good day, thankful for your grace, the class teaching for my grp went well today. And i learnt something new from my classmates too! Amazing how some people always manage to make things fall into place right on the spot.

I went back to Toa Payoh get baked potatoes again! Fell in love with the Ham n Cheese n i was determined to get the limited edition potato pie. This time i brought 兰姐 along coz she was always very nice to give me a lift home and comfort me when i slip occasionally into emo-tism. We hopped next door to get some tarts and i got myself an apple strudel coz i dun hv the 勇气 to get the durian 1. GUESS WHAT. It's nice!!!

It's Friday. And i curled into a ball and slept till 9.30 the moment i got home at 5 plus. Sleep is a gd form of escapism. But not good whn i missed dinner.

And i missed you. God forbid.

Will colour mi hair red this wkend. I don't like the person i see in the mirror nowadays. She's getting too dull. Everyone used to tell her how beautiful and confident she was.

And she definitely needs to constantly keep her life from gg off track now.

我也学会了终止想念。

曾经的叶子从未想过离开,
她默默的守在大树的旁边,
似乎自己是树的一部分,
可是大树却从来不曾想过她的感受.
大树觉得这一切是理所当然.

突然有一天刮了一场大风,
就这样叶子和风遇见了.
风对叶子一见钟情,
所以他不停的在叶子身边出现.
叶子每次都望向大树,
希望他能用树干来为她当住风的百般追求
.可是大树依旧纹丝不动的站着,似乎这不关他的事情.

叶子很伤心,
叶子哭了,
泪珠不停的落了下来,
风来了,
风轻轻的捧起叶子的脸温柔的吹着,
像是在呵护一件无价的宝贝.
叶子第一感觉到原来被疼爱是这样温暖.

从那开始叶子不拒绝风的接近,
风带来了霏霏的细雨，
叶子喜欢这样的天气,
她在雨中快乐的舞动，
肆意的挥舞着那象征着生命的绿色.
风对叶子说,
你是个精灵,
如果我说喜欢你,
你相信么.

叶子含羞的低下了头.
可她依旧用余光看着大树,
希望他能愤怒,
希望他能有一丝醋意.
大树还是笔直的站着,
甚至没有看她一眼.

叶子绝望了,
叶子答应了风的求婚,
就这样叶子慢慢的从树枝上脱落了下来,
随着风开始飞翔,
叶子在这刻依然希望大树能开口挽留自己.

突然大树说话了,
他说,叶子你还是这么任性.
叶子问,这是挽留么.
大树说,
不,
不是.

叶子看着大树,
问自己,
这是我一直爱着的大树么,
曾经的爱原来在他眼里这样的毫不足道.
叶子留下了最后一句话,
叶子的离开是因为风的追求还是树的不曾挽留?

叶子不知道,
叶子只知道风才是我今生的归宿.

风带着叶子走了.......................

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I got my keyboard today. So cheap $199. But somehw last tym i dun get to hv it coz family poor. So happy now can start learning. I used to think that i wldn't hv tym to learn anymore whn i grow up. And that some things if u dun learn whn u are young it wld be meaningless. But i guess today i learnt one thing:

Good things will come to you if you wait. And nothing is too late. =)

Im really v happy aft checking out tt keyboard today. =) The cashier was so sweet. She tell me learn alr must go back Carrefour look for her. Haha.

Oh i saw my classmate save a beetle just now. We all walked past tt beetle which was overturned n struggling. It's disgustingly BIG. But she wasn't the one to leave it thr dying. On my way to the Ladies i saw her flipping it over. I wld nv do that coz im damn scared of these things.

And today i decided i must be nice so i spoke to the girl tt i didn't like during class today. Actually, she's quite nice to talk to la. Prolly just hv bad temper n all. See, my bad. I shld stop condemning ppl just because of one thing they did. Im suppose to be the one who knws best whn it comes to hw it feels like to not have a 2nd chance!

Which reminds me, on my way home i saw this girl throwing tantrums at her boyfriend. And im reminded of myself.

No wonder he lost his feelings. I think i would too.

Except the girl was lucky, her boyfriend bent down to give her a kiss.

Mine left.

I wished i hadn't. Now im going to keep that lousy temper of mine in check.

I will follow what He has for me, and i hope it leads us back together.

It's damn tiring to have to let someone new into my life, letting someone new know me all over again, and knowing someone new all over again.

But i guess i have to unless i wan to be the founder of a Spinsters' Club.

Now unless the guy fits the bill exactly, everyone else is gg to be like wat Han says: OOB - Out Of Bounds.

Must be husband material, totally loves me, down-to-earth, gd tempered, pleasant looking. No boyfriends. Im too tired to go on casual dates. Not the kind to dump ppl, and definitely not someone who can take another blow of getting her heart broken after putting in so much.

My first salsa class today n i picked up quite fast, according to the ppl who danced w me. And i wanna aim for their performance team leh, though i hv no idea if membership is by payment or scouting.

Today 2 uncles totally freaked me out, 1 at Marina Square who stopped me and kp rambling on whthr i hv ideas for a gift for his old classmate, and the other i met during the class who tried to ask me if i wan to go for a drink or if i need a ride home.

No, no uncles pls. And no men for now. Im totally unavailable.

Kenneth say he will criticise me from now on since i dun wish to have this sort of uncle compliments. But like wat Yu Neng says, "我最大的缺点，就是我没有缺点！" HAHA.

Am gonna join exotic dancing too, then get a keyboard to learn piano! And maybe when my braces are nt in the way i will start singing.

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